This is for all of us, the infertile, the struggling to get pregnant, the people that don’t want kids, the people that aren’t ready to have babies, and all in between. If you feel that I have adequately put into words what you need to say to your family, friend, and so on, send them here.
If they still don’t understand after reading this start carrying around a rock and refer to it as your child and demand they treat it as such.
If you were sent here by a loved one, its time to take notes.
A note to the well meaning.
I know that you just want me to enjoy the life of parenthood.
I get it, I am adorable, and would make some pretty adorable children in return.
For the love of all that is good and holy, stop telling me to have babies.
“when are you going to start trying?”
“its about time you had a baby”
“you need to hurry up and get pregnant before you’re too old to keep up with them”
I am going to tell you something as politely as I can, and by this point thats not very polite.. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF.
You know, by asking if we are trying, you’re basically inviting yourself into a world of answers you don’t want to hear. You may as well be inviting yourself into our bedroom.
Not what you had in mind, is it?
I don’t know how else I can put it, because I have come up with some zingers..
“when sleep isn’t a priority”
“when I feel like taking all my energy and shoving it into the trash can before the day has even started”
“you know, when it happens.”
“you mean I don’t already have a kid? Well, I just wasted an hour and a half looking for my child at the playground for nothing.”
“once going out until 2AM and getting drunk on a whim stops sounding like a fun time”
“when you start paying my bills for me, I heard babies are expensive and I need to prep for that”
zingers I tell you.
For all you know, I don’t want kids, or I am having fertility issues, or I would like to be able to keep a goldfish alive before taking on the “caring for a human” route.
I mean seriously, why does it matter so much to you?
Since you are so invested in me having a child, here are the things i’m going to need you to agree to first:
- 100% on call babysitting–if you’re this invested, you will have no problem with this.
- a little bit of money, probably weekly, babies cost a lot.
- pay the medical bills for me, all of them
- pet my head and tell me how pretty I am every day for at least one hour.
- You will need to be my night nurse, because I need my sleep and Im not going to let a baby ruin that
What? Those demands were insane and stupid?
I completely agree. Those demands are about as insane and stupid as it is for you to repeat to me that I need to start producing some crotch fruit ASAP.