I say things with the best of intentions.
I mean to say nice things, really I do. Once in a while, I’m a complete asshole, without meaning to be. I mean, who hasn’t said something mean on accident. When I do it though, I feel really guilty. Like just a few hours ago, when I was talking to Scott about a friend coming to stay with us for a little bit while he gets settled in to being back in the US. I agreed and got off the phone and then told our roommate about the situation, to which he responded “yeah, no, thats totally fine with me” to which I said, “i’m not trying to be rude or sound like a dick, but, even if it wasn’t, its not your decision”
I’m an asshole!
Not only did I not need to say that, there are at least a dozen other ways I could have responded or not responded at all. Why did I say it? Who knows, I need to feel like I have a backbone maybe. Maybe i’m too impulsive with my words. My mouth doesn’t know when to stop spilling my brain’s secrets perhaps..
Heres the thing though..
I spend far too much time worrying what everybody thinks of me. I sometimes forget to think about if I like myself because i’m so focused on trying to make everyone around me happy and comfortable and okay with being my friend. Its okay to be an asshole sometimes but not all the time. That makes you someone nobody wants to be around. I feel like I try too hard to please everyone I encounter and it has made me likable, but not necessarily someone that knows who they really are.
Maybe I over think everything. Possibly my anxiety makes it ten times worse in my head than it came out to the other person. It is possible that people would actually like the blunt person I am inside my head. Who really knows,
To those I have offended, was accidentally an asshole to, that think I’m sweet with a dash of fire underneath, Im sorry, and you’re welcome.